Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Works / Doesn't Work

There are some evergreen items that we American consumers buy regardless of whether or not they perform as expected. Here a few examples that spring to mind...

WORKS: Washable Crayola Crayons! With an active 3-1/2 year old in the house, keeping a supply of crayons, coloring books and drawing paper on hand is a must. An even mustier must is ensuring the artist's handiwork can be cleaned off of surfaces that were not meant to exhibit her art. The solution? Washable Crayola Crayons! They are fully-functional crayons and are also 100% washable. Walls, furniture, whatever, can be cleaned up with a wet cloth. Oh, that all products would be this perfect...
DOESN'T WORK: String Trimmers! What a great theory; use fishing line rotating at high velocity to cut down weeds in places a normal lawn mower can't reach. The reality, though, leaves much to be desired. The reality is that the danged string breaks off after 0.3 seconds of use and the entire spool has to be removed, rewound and re-threaded so that you can coax another 0.3 seconds of trimming time from this demonic device.

"But, Craig," you say, "You should get one of those self-feeding kinds that you simply tap on the ground to dispense more fishing line."

"But, gentle blog reader, " I reply, "That is exactly the model I'm talking about! They never, never, never, never, never, never, never ever work! NEVER!!!"
DOESN'T WORK: Drip Coffee Makers! Well, I guess technically they do work, as far as making some sort of coffee-like substance goes. What doesn't work is that feature that allows you to remove the carafe while it is brewing. There are always those few drips that spatter on the warming surface. If you don't interrupt you whole coffee-pouring activity to wipe them up they will sputter, sizzle and pop when you put the pot back in the "brew zone," as I like to call it. This seems too high a price to pay just so you can have a tepid beverage that tastes like somebody boiled an old wallet. (Of course, if one cleans their coffee maker per the manufacturer's directions it will taste like an old wallet boiled in vinegar!)


Blogger furiousBall said...

Doesn't Work - Manual Reel Mowers...well sort of. I recently bought one in a Gore-ian fit of ice cap concern and it cuts the grass fine, but anything over say 5" (i.e. dandelions) are not cut, ergo, I have a nicely trimmed lawn with these 14 foot tall dandelions that I'm hoping I can pass off as sunflowers soon.

May 15, 2007 9:58 AM  
Blogger Craig D said...

OY, you have my sympathies, f-ball!

My folks had one such mower and I believe they had the blades dulled at the beginning of each lawn-mowing season.

Bonus: If you have raging pollen-based allergies, the cut grass debris will blow right up in your face, causing your eyes to tear and swell shut in between convulsive, machine-gun sneezing fits. Unable to see, you will then do a crappy job of over-lapping the rows and your "grateful" parents will complain about what a crappy job you did just as you slip into an anaphalactic-shock-induced coma.

I'm not sayin' it'll scar you for life, or anything, though...

May 15, 2007 11:37 AM  
Blogger russkal said...

I got 3 coffee makers as wedding presents (unfortunately we didn't have a registry) and all them brew beverage that tastes like boiled Alpos (yes, the dog food).

Not that i have tasted my dog's pellets...

May 15, 2007 2:07 PM  
Blogger Bardouble29 said...

hummmm...I don't have a weed trimmer, but I remember my mother cursing ours as a kid.

I love coffee and am guilty of pouring before it ready, I always have to clean the hot plate from the spilled coffee.

May 16, 2007 12:35 AM  
Blogger Allan said...

I think of my coffee as a fine brandy- there is always a little bit from the previous batch in the new one.

May 16, 2007 11:37 AM  
Blogger CS said...

What also works: Model Magic by Crayola. It's a squishy suff that can be molded into any shape, comes in different colors which can be whirled together and then harden. It makes NO mess, very young kids can work with it and older kids can make their science project solar systems out of it. And, quite honestly, I like playing with the stuff, too. Try it and you will never mess with Play-Dough again, I promise.

As for coffee makers, I let Gevalia suplly with them over and over with their never-ending introductory offers.

May 17, 2007 3:13 PM  

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