Monday, April 30, 2007

Future Trends?

As the father of a 3-1/2 year old daughter, I occasionally think about what the future might hold in store for her. I mean, back in 1958 would anyone have predicted long hair on men? Leisure suits? Suburban teens playing with illegal narcotics as if they were wizened, old blues musicians? And worse of all, et cetera?

These were things that were all the rage when I was a teenager. (I haven't even mentioned disco music, streaking, CB Radios, Pet Rocks, T&A television shows, platform shoes, punk rock, and even more of that et cetera!)

So here are my predictions for my daughter's teen years, circa 2020:

High Fashion Amputations. Sorry, losers! Tattoos are now removable. Piercings and ritual scarring just aren't permanent enough. The callow youth of the future will insist upon actually amputating parts of their bodies. "But, Da-a-a-a-d! (Insert name of future bad role model media star here) cut off her whole left hand! I just want to nip my pinkie finger off at the second knuckle. That way I can get some of that super-hot stump bling that all my girlfriends are wearing! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!!! You're the worst Father ever!!!"

IV Party Bags. Yep. That old-fashioned "beer bong" just didn't get you drunk enough, fast enough. And don't get me started on those clumsy, inefficient, lip-burning crack pipes. The smart substance abuser of the future will wheel around those hospital IV coat-rack-thingies with a catheter permanently stuck into his or her arm.

Pop Music. Well, forget about it! There is no way to predict this, history has shown us that much. Will there be a strong reaction to decades of "gangsta rap" that yields gentle, articulate songs about being polite to one another? Will there be a further degradation wherein the hit parade will consist of sound files constructed from individual words sampled from "old skool" raps? Will people be inserting audio-frequency-activated pneumatic jack-hammers into their ears because there just isn't any way to make 18" bass speakers louder than they are now? Will people only listen to music if it is available as a cranial-implant cell phone ring tone? The magic eight ball is mum on this one, folks!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have no way of predicting the future, but, as long as they FINALLY update (or discontinue) that obnoxious Vermont Teddy Bear commercial that is aired every 4 minutes for three weeks in a row during EVERY Valentine's Day season, I'll be one happy camper.

_ _ _

Hey Craig, I tuned in a little late. Please give Michelle my best wishes for a continued recovery.

April 30, 2007 7:53 PM  
Blogger Craig D said...

Ian, I bet my wife would really appreciate getting one of those "Get Well" Vermont Teddy B...

Um, I'll tell her you hope she's feeling better. (Which she is!)

April 30, 2007 9:00 PM  
Blogger whimsical brainpan said...

"And in the midst of life we are in death et cetera."
Sorry, I just could resist. I just had to throw a little of The Smiths in there, it just seemed fit.

LOL! This is a great post! The thing is, I think you might be right about both the amputations and the IV bags.

April 30, 2007 10:25 PM  
Blogger Bardouble29 said...

Great post...I suddenly feel very leary of the future...

April 30, 2007 11:47 PM  
Blogger CS said...

I think you should just stick with the "we'll all be driving flying cars" prediction - it's bound to come true sooner or later.

May 01, 2007 9:10 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

IV Party Bags ... I hope you don't plan on marketing that, because I'm already going to the patent office with my Intravenous Shindig Sacks.

May 02, 2007 12:14 AM  
Blogger Craig D said...

Hey, dorky dad! Keep in mind, most folks have two arms! Now you can have IVs of beer and pretzels!

May 02, 2007 7:08 AM  

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