Monday, May 14, 2007

Exactly The Opposite!

Seems to me that drunk driving really became a hot-button issue back in the 1980s, or thereabouts. I remember many a story from my parents' generation of folks getting all liquored-up and then driving home at 5 mph because they were "three sheets to the wind."

That's the way it used to be. As Sam Kinison pointed out, "we're not murderers, we're just trying to get home!!!!"

But wait-a-minute! This is not a pro-drunk-driving post; far from it. Read on...

The problem: People get drunk. When these drunken people get behind the wheel and with their skills seriously impaired, there is a greater chance of automobile fatalities occurring. Groups like MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) are formed and the population at large becomes aware of the issue.

The problem behind the problem: With the general population enlightened about the perils of drinking and driving, a chilling effect takes hold. When folks go to parties and other drinking environments people make an effort to reign in their guzzling proclivities. Folks either drink non-alcoholic beverages (remember N/A Beer?) or scale 'way back in an effort to remain sober enough to drive. The breweries and distilleries no doubt notice this dangerous (to their pocket books) trend and decide to step up to the plate to offer their help...

The solution: The idea to "drink responsibly" is brought to market. Remember? "Friends don't let friends drive drunk!" The concept of the "designated driver" is born. The booze industry is proud and happy to flog this in their "Public Service" advertising.

The problem behind the solution: Well, with the fox now guarding the hen house it is quickly understood how the "designated driver" game is to be played, to wit:
1. A group of 5 people go out for a night of boozing.

2. One person of the five is the wet-blanket designated driver.

3. The other four people take this as a license to drink themselves blind drunk. The blinder, the better. Gluck gluck gluck gluck gluck! "We're being responsible because we have a ride home. DOOD!"

4. The designated driver gets "faced" anyway because there's nothing more boring than staying sober and watching everybody else getting smashed and acting like idiots!

Hence, the beer-bong! Drink more, drink faster. You're drinking responsibly!

Yep - problem solved! I can see no down side. DOOD!


Blogger furiousBall said...

Brilliant! Are you actually one of the authors of Freakonomics?

one of the nice things about living where I do (Medford Lakes, NJ) is the bar that is well within a bike ride...ergo I can get supah 'faced...DOOD

May 14, 2007 3:51 PM  
Blogger Judy said...

Uh, are you going back to college or something?

May 14, 2007 6:12 PM  
Blogger Bardouble29 said...

LOL, your blog intrigued me...

May 14, 2007 11:01 PM  
Blogger Allan said...

"The idea to "drink responsively" is brought to market. "

Best typo ever! I used to drink in response to just about everything! Never got a DUI I couldn't beat though...stupid, lucky days.

May 16, 2007 11:39 AM  
Blogger Craig D said...

allan: I had to look at your comment about five times before I realised my mistake! I wish I could take credit for being such a satiric genius, but as you guessed, I'm just a bad typist!

May 16, 2007 12:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drink Responsively....AWESOME!!!! You said something I didn't understand. "The Eighties"... what were they?

oh yeah...'drove my metropolitan to the opera and the tenor was high?


May 18, 2007 9:36 PM  
Blogger Craig D said...

Well, I can think of some people who would have been slowed down by using a beer bong. Cough. Cough. Ahem.

May 19, 2007 7:49 PM  

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