Cattle Call

I've been visited by the Ghosts Of Job Hunts Past recently, and they have commanded me to blog about them. Anything to silence their rattling chains!

Here are some notes that I made to kill time during one of the lowest points of my unemployment.

It is dated 11/29/05...

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It is 5:25PM and I am sitting in a "training room" at the Danaher Controls plant in Elizabethown, NC. There are twenty other hopefuls waiting here with me. We have filled out our Youngblood Staffing applications in anticipation of being interviewed for a handful of "assembly and test jobs" that have opened up in the plant.

This is, by far, the most ineptly executed cattle call I have yet seen. You would think a staffing agency would solicit resumes, review them and the arrange for scheduled interviews. Oh well, I guess that's my [own] personal fantasy.

I can't believe the dress of some of my fellow applicants. While no one is wearing swim fins or a propeller beanie, there are lots of T-shirts, shorts, sandals and "bling-bling" in evidence. Maybe I shouldn't have bothered with a shirt and tie. [Actually a business suit!]

I can only imagine the $6.00/hr w/no benefits jobs they'll be offering. "We'll expect you to work 6PM - 6AM, 10 days on, one day off, weekends and holidays included."

Well, theoretically, I'm next [to be called], so we'll see.

Best of all, it's my daughter's birthday. She turns two today, and Daddy is sitting in some fluorescent-lit waiting room for a job he probably won't get instead of watching her open birthday presents. Oh well. At least my in-laws are in town to share the joy.

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It is now 5:40PM and several others have been called ahead of me. So much for being "next!"

Who knows? This could be the job I've been praying for. Danaher might just be the most enlightened employer of the 21st century! Flex time! Child Care! Full Medical benefits with no co-pays!! Periodic reviews with pay increases pegged to your actual job performance!! Management and supervision that actually understand and care about their products and processes!!! Maybe I'll get a free perpetual motion / anti-gravity machine just for coming in!!!

There's a reason why DILBERT is so popular. The "Office Space" movie has sold millions of units for this same reason.

Perhaps I shouldn't have aspired to mediocrity. I thought that would ensure my acceptance into the mainstream...

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Well, it's after 6:00PM and I have just had a brief meeting with a Jamey Robbins, Value Stream Manager [WTF?]. He feels the 2nd shift assembly job they're offering isn't a good fit for me. I appreciate his candor.

He has shunted me to another office, so I can meet with someone named "Liz" who has something to do with "EVM." I wonder if that is anything like "EVA", i.e. "Economic Value Added?" I notice that the rooms all have automatic ON/OFF switches for the lighting. That smacks of EVA.

If they do have such a program one hopes it is being used to affect actual process improvements and to increase profits.

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I just talked, informally, with the HR Manager and the Plant Manager. They asked for my resume.

Maybe they can help me?

They have an electronics position open.

Maybe I'll get to talk to the mysterious "Liz?"

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I never did get to see Liz. The Plant Manager, instead, decided to talk to me.

"I'm a straight shooter," he growled, "So I gotta ask. You've been out of work for seven months. Why hasn't anyone hired you?"

Taken aback, all I could muster was, "You tell me!"

What I wanted to say was, "Because straight-shooters, such as yourself, would rather hire people with no experience, who may or may not speak English and who wear cut-offs and T-Shirts to Job interviews! That's why, Mr. People-Skills!"

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Postscript: My resume was left for the apocryphal "Liz" to review, but, of course nothing was ever heard from them.