Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Raisins

Do you like raisins?

You do?

Well, how nice.

You see, there are those of us who don't like raisins that have to live in your raisin-loving world.

What mass-hypnosis is at play when the phrase "plump, juicy raisins" is used to describe what are in reality dried-out, bitter, ersatz rabbit turds.

I can understand if you raisin-lovers want to eat chocolate-covered raisins. At least we sane people know that there are raisins in chocolate-covered raisins and can avoid them.

It is the stealth application of raisins that is objectionable.

"Hey, Craig, how'd you like a delicious, home-made oatmeal cookie?"

"Wow! Sure! M-m-m... oatmeal, brown sugar, butter. Let me at 'em!"

Craig takes a bite.

"BLEAAAHHH! This otherwise perfect cookie is loaded with disgusting, leathery grape corpses! Excuse me while I go eat some driveway gravel to get the taste out of my mouth."

Now substitute any of the following for the above-mentioned oatmeal cookie:

  • Rice Pudding
  • Sweet Roll
  • Carrot Cake
  • Bran Muffins
  • Coffee Cake
  • Anything else that would be 1,000,000% better without raisins in it

Yep, this is a cold, hostile world for a non-raisin-lover.

12 Comments:

Blogger Lee said...

All of those things are bad for you anyway.

The raisins are doing you a favour!

(If you don't like raisins, how do you feel about the "u" the rest of the world uses in words like favour?)

December 11, 2008 10:36 AM  
Blogger furiousBall said...

i don't mind them that much, but i've never understood why someone would put raisins in a cookie rather than choc chips.

December 11, 2008 11:59 AM  
Blogger Merelyme said...

LOL yeah they are kinda weird when you come to think of what they are...old grapes. I do like raisens though and prunes too!

December 14, 2008 8:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

craig-
you don"t like raisins?

December 14, 2008 10:44 AM  
Blogger Craig D said...

anonymous: Where'd you get that idea?

December 16, 2008 9:07 AM  
Blogger citizen of the world said...

Except for the oatmeal-raisin cookies (mmmmmm), I don't like anything on that list with or without raisins. Espepcially rice pudding (gag).

Have you ever seen "Benny and Joon"? The female character refers to raisins, which she picks out of things, as "humiliated grapes." She's your kindred spirit.

December 16, 2008 12:20 PM  
Blogger yinyang said...

Carrot cake with raisins? That's blasphemy! I mean, I like raisins, but... eew.

December 16, 2008 6:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

egg- 'anonymous' will prolly be me since i counint member my password- scott

December 16, 2008 8:08 PM  
Blogger Craig D said...

Ya mean you dinint write it down?

(I figgured it were you, anyways.)

OK, I'll say it...

RAISINS ARE SPOILERS!

THEY'RE SPOILERS, I TELL YOU!

December 17, 2008 8:43 AM  
Blogger Wizened Wizard said...

Glad to see you're still raisin a ruckus over here. I've just been raisin corn and soybeans (which I bet you don't like either...).

So do currant events upset you too? These are sure craisiny times.

Wishing you and your family a wonderful (grape corpse-free) holiday season!

Wiz

December 19, 2008 11:22 AM  
Blogger Craig D said...

UNCLE!

December 21, 2008 7:00 AM  
Blogger twang25 said...

VOTE FOR UNCLE PURPLE

January 19, 2009 4:47 PM  

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